Go-Go Juice and One Million Moms

I am learning a lot in my stint as a stay-at-home-mom. This week I learned my new favorite term. Pageant Crack. Pageant Crack is in reality a pixi stick, which mom's on the pageant circuit give to their kids to enhance their performance. I find this A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! What I find even more A-M-A-Z-I-N-G is that for some kids the pageant crack doesn't work, so one mom has resorted to "go-go juice." It's actually a toss up which new word I like better. Pageant Crack or Go-Go juice. Both are pretty unbelievable. Go-Go juice is a unique concoction of Red Bull and Mountain Dew that you give to six year-olds, so they can keep their energy up to win child pageants. It's apparently perfectly safe and the inventor gave it a hearty endorsement, "There are far worse things. I could be giving her alcohol."

The same day I learned about the One Million Mom group who decided to attack Ellen because she's a lesbian and  therefore is unfit to be JC Penny's spokesperson. Now, I have nothing personal against the Kardashians. I find them mildly entertaining, but I wonder why these million mom's took up a campaign against Ellen, who in addition to be a lesbian seems to be a pretty decent person. She is in a committed relationship, she works hard, she has talent, she uses her show to help others, she like animals and she dances. All in all I think she's a pretty stand-up human. In contrast the Kardashians are un-wed mothers, make a mockery of marriage, have no real talent other than their amazing ability to make whining, simpering and fighting entertaining to millions of bored teens and housewives. Why are they not boycotting Sears, who is home the Kardashians clothing line? If we are buying clothes and dryers based on morals, then I have to say, I gotta give the moral high ground to Ellen and JC Penny.

Just my opinion, but if I had to pick. I would rather raise an Ellen than a Kim.

Now, I have a job for these One Million Moms. Why don't you do us all a favor and stop this mom?Pediatricians and physicians who treat Type II diabetes will thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvrq62GZAm4

The First Year

 I’m pleased to report that, despite my initial disbelief that anyone in their right mind or otherwise was going to allow us (The Clarks – those irresponsible winos with no 401K) to have a baby, December marked our daughter’s first birthday and our one year anniversary as parents.   I’m a believer in the written word, and from the moment we officially became parents (I count this as the moment I had to officially give up wine, so around week six of pregnancy) we’ve written down wishes for our daughter.

I haven’t documented this year as well as I should have. The baby book is an utter failure, and I never was organized enough to be one of those parents who takes a picture of their child on their month birthday. However, I’ve been thinking about all the things I wish I had known before plunging into parenthood and decided to share.

If I’m honest, and I’ll try to be, no one can really prepare you. You just have to live it, because despite all the books and internet research, that little bugger is smarter than the author of What to Expect the First Year. That being said, here is what I wish I had known and what I’ve learned along the way.

I wish I had been more relaxed. Now, we were definitely those idiots who put their five week old on a boat, the infamous Highland Fling II, and our first of many outings was to Umbrella’s, the local beach bar. In fact, we became such regulars our daughter could often be found in the kitchen perched on the owner’s shoulder supervising. We continued to frequent the boatyard most Friday nights, but despite trying to live our laid back Caribbean existence, I was an inward stress case. I was never quite sure if I was doing it right and I often questioned my competence as a mother. My friend Suzie summed it up best when she said “Of course you are a good mother, you worry about your child. Bad mothers don’t worry.” She’s right, and sometimes the one thing you need to relax is someone to tell you, you are doing it right.

In this vein, let me pass on a piece of advice my friend Shannon gave me, which was never correct your husband. Tell them one too many times they are doing it wrong and you’ll never get another diaper change out of them again. I thought this was good advice. I was terrified, but my husband was infinitely more terrified, so let them do it their way and enjoy the diaper changes even if they use an extraordinary amount of diaper rash cream.

You will love your husband more than you ever thought possible, however on certain days, you will dislike him. Intensely. The same goes for your husband. The smug looks you reserved for those harried looking mothers in the grocery store lines have come back to haunt you. And no matter how many times you privately or publicly vowed never to become one of those mothers, one day you will wake up to find you are that mother, and you’ve even got the shrill, uptight voice to go with the eye bags and unwashed, thinning hair. You’ll fight more in this year, you’ll love better, and on the days of dislike sometimes it helps to look at your little munchkin (preferably while sleeping and not while fishing your engagement ring, bits of crayon and your 1099 out of her mouth) and think together we created the most amazing individual. Think of all the beautiful things we can do if we stick together.

When she was 4 weeks old we flew with our daughter from Virginia back to Grenada. It was mind boggling stressful for us. She never made a peep. I was a nervous wreck thinking of all the things that could go wrong. After a twelve hour day with a baby strapped to my chest, we landed in Grenada and the Dutch guy in front of me said “you’re lucky they are easy at that age.” I wanted to punch him. Partly because he was Dutch and their efficiency has always irritated me, and partly because did he not realize I had a 4 week old baby on a plane? What I later had to admit was that he was right. Babies who are not mobile and in that sleepy phase are very easy to do anything with and you should get out and do things, because it does get a lot harder. However, if you are a first time parent you don’t know this, and your stress and anxiety over your child crying, getting sick etc…is so high nothing seems easy. He may have been right that a one month old is much easier than a two year old on a plane, but  there is nothing more irritating than a parent saying to you “just wait til you get to this age,” while nodding in the direction of their out -of- control, manic child. Nothing seems easy when you are experiencing it for the first time., but at the risk of sounding like the Dutch guy take that sleepy newborn baby out to dinner if you feel up to it, because in a few months it’s a whole new ballgame.

When traveling, going to the grocery or just out for a walk you will bring enough supplies to feed and outfit a small developing nation’s army. The amount of stuff you have defies reason. Gone are the days when all you needed to travel from one end of the island to the other were your sunglasses and a case of carib. I don’t know when this ends. I imagine when they are thirty and you just house all their junk in your attic. At least you don’t have to haul it around any longer.

There are many theories on sleep. You have the “cry it out” camp, the sleep in the bed til you are 12 school of thought and everything in between. I confess I couldn’t cry it out. I visibly shook after twenty minutes of wailing. I just couldn’t do it. We fell somewhere in between a certain amount of cry it out and a certain amount of rocking, shushing etc… We found what works for us and have a baby who sleeps through the night most nights. I don’t really know how we did it. The only advice I can offer is do what you are comfortable with, and you’ll work it out.

I made a hard and fast rule that there would be no babies in the bed. EVER! I had yet to have a sick, child, company or extreme sleep deprivation. There will be nights when they’ll weasel their way into bed, especially when sick. As with most things in the first year, remember tomorrow is a new day and try again. Also every hard and fast rule you made while pregnant is null and void once baby appears on the scene.

It does not matter who gives you advice, your doctor, parent, friend or minister, you will not believe them. You will go home and look up whatever your question was in a book or on the internet. I don’t know why. You just will.

There is a certain amount of judgment that comes with parenting and I do try and keep myself from being judgmental, but we’re all guilty of comparing, judging parenting styles that are different to our own. I can keep a pretty open mind with regard to pretty much anything except vaccinations. If you don’t vaccinate your child I won’t let mine play with yours.

No one told me about RSV. I seriously may have reconsidered my choice to have children had I known about this hideous virus.

Frozen blueberries are good for teething. Reportedly so is whisky, I’ve not figured out if it’s good for mom or baby. Maybe both?

You will never really get a full night’s sleep. The minute they start sleeping through the night you’ll be up checking if they are breathing.

Everyone wants to hold a baby til it cries. As a result of this you’ll spend 99% of your time holding a baby that someone else has made cry.

Nothing last forever, if you are in a trying phase take a deep breath and know it will pass. Sadly, the fun, easy phases pass just as quickly. Sometimes they pass a lot more quickly than you would like.

Food is infinitely more interesting when it is on the floor.  If your child refuses to eat I suggest you dump the meal on the floor. Problem solved.

The other day someone told me you need two things to raise a child. Calpol (the U.S. equivalent is Tylenol) and Grandparents. He may be right, and if so I can stop the list here. 

It doesn’t matter how much you prepare, how much you read, how many classes you go to, you will in no way, shape or form be prepared for how much you’ll love your child. Some days you’ll love them more than others, but the love you feel seems to grow exponentially throughout the year, and I imagine over their lifetime.

I’ll steal a line from Elizabeth Stone as she said it better than I ever could.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Days 19 - 30 (Yikes)

I really am a hopeless failure at keeping up this blog. I started the month (eight days late) with the best of intentions to post what I was thankful for every day. That didn't happen and it's the last day of the month and I've got 12 days to account for. So here goes...

19. The Brilli's. My bestest friend and her husband who trekked down to not watch an SEC game, drink too much red wine and leave again in less than 48 hours. I love them and I miss her everyday.
20. Not getting a job. At the time I wasn't thankful, in fact, it plunged me into a bit of a funk. but I've got a few more precious, hours, weeks, maybe months (double yikes) to spend with my sweet girl so that's a bonus.
21. Wildlife rotation. John had a relatively easy research rotation, and it was so nice to have him home at a normal hour for a few weeks. It's over. And its back to an unpredictable schedule, but I enjoyed having my husband home while it lasted.
22.  Motrin. I've got a teething baby. I'm a fan.
23. BB Guns. They kept the men in my family entertained for hours on end over Thanksgiving weekend. Brought out some serious male bonding!
24. Thanksgiving. Turkey and all that jazz.
25. Tacky Sweaters. My brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law had a tacky sweater engagement party. Was a hoot!
26. Momma. Thankful for mine. She's a tough act to follow!
27. Thankful that the 13 hour car journey from Virginia to Georgia is OVER! I now know what hell must be like. Think interstate 81 for eternity....
28. Home again. I surprised myself when I woke up Monday and Athens felt good.
29. The gym. Thankful I've got one and even use it some days.
30. University Towns. I met one of my favorite authors today, Peter Godwin. He gave a talk at UGA. What a treat.

So, that does it. Lots to be thankful for in this month of thankfulness. I was a bit of a failure at this exercise and may have even said at one point during this month "what am I supposed to say when I don't feel thankful for anything." I may have said it teary and a tad bit dramatic...I'm glad I have a family who's supportive and amazing and reminds me that "when I don't feel thankful" well, really I'm just being a brat. Lots to be thankful for and my family tops the list.

Day 18: Helping Hands

Thankful for little hands and all they can accomplish!

Day 17: Baby Blues

I'm struggling today, to be thankful for anything. I think some days you just have those days. Where you just have a bit of a pity party and feel sorry for yourself. Party is in full swing and I actually don't want it to end. It's just easier to feel sorry for myself than buck up and get on with it. Where is my stiff upper lip British/Malawian husband when I need him? Sadly for myself, I do have to come up with something to be thankful for because I committed to a month of thankfulness. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I'm worried it's gonna end my party...

I'll be thankful for what I am thankful for everyday of my life since she arrived. My sweet daughter.

It's not been easy since we arrived in Athens. I don't love it, some days I don't even like it. On those days I feel like throwing in the towel. I don't because I have this.

And this face makes everything seem better.

I also have this face.

And every year I am married to him gets better. Even the hard ones, like this one, are better in their own unique way. So, that's it. Pity Party over. Back on track for a month of thankfulness. Thanks to these two faces.

Day 12, 13 and 14: Thankfullness X 3

Thankful for a busy weekend where I was too busy to blog. Busy with good friends, football and drinks in front of the fire. That's all I've got for the moment. The cold I've come down with has left me blah....but thankful it's only a cold.

Day 11: 11.11.11. Make a Wish

Thoughts of wishes conjure up images of birthday candles, circles of children tightly packed against one another as they sing and dance with excitement and tightly squeezed eyes as the birthday boy or girl inhales then exhales to make their wish. Why do we only wish on birthdays, or when the clock strikes 11.11 or on days that come around once a century? What is it about these occasions that give us permission to dream,  to wish and hope it will come true. They say don't tell anyone or your wish won't come true. I think say, write, shout and do it and anything you want will come true.

My daughter is about to have her first birthday, and we'll all pack tightly around her and watch with anticipation, while she likely stares overwhelmed at her first taste of chocolate, and we'll wonder, what, if anything is she wishing. Probably for us to get out of her face....the precursor to the teen years...

What I wish for her, for me and for us all on this day that only comes around once a century is that we remember to wish, dream and do every day. To let our birthday candles burn year round rather than snuff them out with just one wish. I love this quote and wish I remembered to apply it to my own life more often.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”   Marianne Williamson

Happy wishing on  11.11.11 and the rest of the year!

Day 10: Thanks for the Memories

I'm often reminded of my former life. The one where I was 'living the dream' as a beach bum, yogi, wine swilling Caribbean housewife. Those days are temporarily over, and I've spent the last six months in an extended mourning period. I think its only natural I miss Grenada. It's the island were we got married, had a baby, lost a scooter, lost car tires, gained lifelong friends, learned to lime, failed to wine and had at least 17 mechanics in our employ to keep the world's most expensive piece of tin running.

While we were living the dream, we along with countless other families, were fortunate enough to have Ashley Willis document our dream. Today I'm thankful for Ashley's amazing talent and her ability to capture some of the sweetest memories in a snapshot. Ashley photographed me eight months pregnant and made me look glam. Now that is sheer genius at work to be able to do that!

She photographed our new family and was somehow able to capture the sweet first months of parenthood in a single shot. Her talent, beauty and positive attitude amaze and inspire me. In addition to being just about the most fantastic photographer out there, she is a fantastic writer and her blog makes me laugh and occasionally makes me cry. Everyone should read this entry about her desire for a bambino of her own.

I'm thankful for Ashley. Her talent, honesty, candor and beauty are inspirational. I'm not sure why her bundle of joy is taking so long to get to here, but perhaps for the moment she's being used as an inspiration to many, and when her one, two, three or four do arrive they'll be able to see just how special she is.



I'm thankful for the beautiful memories that hang on my wall as a constant reminder of our island life, and I'm thankful for sweet souls like, Ashley, who share their talent and their struggles.

Day 9

Looks like I'm officially on track for this month of thankfulness. I'm thankful for the last several months that I've been able to work from home and not have to leave this sweet face....

I worked for Skaddadle Media out of California and a nicer bunch of folks you could not find.

Here's the project I worked on. This makes me thankful for companies like Windstream who inspire our kids to get out and do amazing things in their community. If you can vote for one of these schools to win $25,000.


http://schoolswin.windstream.com/finalists

Thanks Windstream and Skedaddle for allowing me to stay home and enjoy almost 11 months with my sweet girl. These moments are priceless.

Gratitude x 8

It's November and I haven't written in months. No real reason, I've been busy, I've been lazy, I've got nothing to say the list goes on and on....

I've noticed that people are posting things they are grateful for throughout the month of November. As usual I'm behind the eight ball. We are eight days into this exercise and I am eight days behind. So here goes...Here are my eight blessings.

1) Guilty of eavesdropping, I listened to my husband reading bedtime stories to our daughter. It made me smile, and made me laugh that one book turned into eight. It also made me think that some of the best memories of my life will be ones she will never remember, but I'll never forget the sweet sounds of daddy and daughter bed time stories.

Dad and Charlie sharing a giggle

2) Visitors. We've been blessed with many, and throughout the somewhat difficult transition from Grenada to Athens they've often been my salvation. Giving me something to look forward to, weekends filled with belly laughter and a reminder to be thankful for the people in our life that make it infinitely better!


3) Clyde and Jack. Our first visitors . A visit which included a few days of bad behavior and reminiscing about the good ole days in Grenada. A southerner with a slow melodic voice, he reminded me of home in Grenada, and now that we're back 'home' a visit from him reminds me of the things we loved. Lazy island days, too many caribs and a little mischief...

Jack and Charlie seem to both be wondering where is the sea?

4) Serena and Andy. Two of the most generous and sweet people you'll ever meet. They housed us in Grenada and Serena, always kept us hydrated. We're grateful they took time off the island to come and play for awhile in our new hood.

Couldn't find any photos of their visit must be on John' computer, but love this one of Andy and Charlie.

5) James and Kathryn. My brother and soon - to - be - sister - in - law. They got us back into the tradition of SEC football. We tailgated and cheered for the dawgs and spending time with them made me grateful Kathryn Harris will soon be Kathryn Harris Harris!

The Dawg Walk a UGA tradition

6) Devin and Christine. Two of my all time favorite people even if they are Canadian. :) They are interesting, funny, lovely, generous, sweet, well traveled and well...sizzled. We laughed and ate then ate some more. Devin may be one of the best cooks on the planet and it's a pleasure to eat his food. In Grenada we had a Sunday date most Sundays, and the weekend they spent with us reminded me of those happy times. I miss them, but know our paths will cross again soon and I can't wait to see where it does...

A vineyard in North Georgia...who knew...wine was crap...company fantastic

7) Shannon, Justin and Colin. Shannon and Justin will and go go anywhere and everywhere. They came to see me in Zambia, traveled to Grenada to be part of our wedding when Shan was 7 months pregnant. They are constants in our lives and give me the strength to embark on new adventures, because I know wherever we go there they will be. They inspire me, make me laugh and I love them and their sweet growing family. There will be another little Offen in December and this baby is fortunate to have some of the coolest parents and the best big brother you could ask for.

8) Caleb + Dad and family. Recently we celebrated my brother Caleb's 30th and my Dad's 57th! It was a great weekend and our home was filled with laughter, children and former UGA football players who made our tiny house seem well, minuscule. I have to include a shout out to MC. Who is a fantastic aunt and baby sitter!

Harris/Clark girls

These are my eight. A sweet husband and daughter who spend time together. Several sets of friends and family who have brightened our lives these last few months. The list goes on and on and I'll keep updating it this month but THANK YOU to these individuals for your love and support and for making me laugh til my belly hurts.

 

Beauty Lessons

I've taken a break from my blog, mainly because after a move from paradise and a visit to one of my favorite places on earth (the Luangwa Valley) I've been sweating it out in hot Georgia with no ocean or Highland Fling II and have been a little miserable and very mental. So in an effort to keep from getting myself committed I've kept mum. I'm happy to say I'm starting to come out of my funk and be a grown up and deal with it.

About a week ago, in very grown up fashion I ran home to momma in Virginia. I realized two things: mom's do make things better and Sunday's without Highland Fling II do kind of suck.

So what do miserable/mental women do to make themselves feel better. Well, pedicures of course. It's amazing what you learn in the pedicure chair. Usually I learn about important things like the Kardashians. However take a baby with you and you'll learn all sorts of interesting things. Beyond the general parenting advice that everyone loves to dish out I did hear a "new" old wives tale. Apparently if your baby has one fat role on his or her legs your next baby will be a boy. If they have two fat rolls then your next baby will be a girl. More than two is anybody's guess...Now I wonder if this gender game applies to mom's thighs as well?

Confession

I'm not catholic so I don't go to confession...I'm a lapsed baptist, but really not much of anything these days which is becoming very uncomfortable in the Bible Belt as I've been asked about our 'church family' by everyone and I mean everyone. I had a 5 minute uncomfortable conversion experience when I tried to buy a night stand off craig's list. Somehow explaining the 'Church of Highland Fling II' might not go over so well in these parts...but I digress. I'm not catholic or religious but I've got a few things to fess up to or get off my chest.

We've been back in the States over a month now and I can't seem to settle in. I love my country but not sure I like living in it.

I hate K-mart I think it's run by rednecks and organized by the president of the trailer park association. It's disorganized and dusty (actually sounds a little like my house) and I can never find anything. I should love it for the people watching opportunities alone, but I hate it and I make no apologies.

I do however love Wal-mart as it has the same clientele but a tad bit smarter employee. I must look like a K-mart shopper though as yesterday when asking a Wal-mart employee where the face wash aisle was located she said , "cosmetics" and I said "thanks, where would that be" and she very slowly and deliberately said "that means make-up" and shook her head as if to say "go back to K-mart you ignoramus."

Other things I don't like about the South or the US in general are snotty stores. Today I had a job interview of sorts...which means I convinced the head of a department to meet with me, but she actually has no job to offer me. So, when this fake interview was lined up I scrambled to find a sitter. The fake interview then was switched to a new day but having asked the sitter to reorganize her entire schedule I figured I better not cancel.I used my two baby free hours to run a few errands and then wandered into one of those stores where everything is monogrammed. I'm southern. I like monogrammed things. I have a cheese platter a necklace and several bags with monograms so I've been into a few of these stores in my time, but I forgot what I dislike about them is the sales lady with the insincere perma smile and pearl earrings and the name dropping, social climbing clientele that these places attract. After my frosty greeting by pearl earrings I heard no less than seven times that  the lily pulitzer clad woman was there to pick up invitations for so and so, head of the junior league... and then I heard all about her fabulous condo in gulf shores. I couldn't help myself I just couldn't...I may have let it slip that we just moved back from the Caribbean and it was so hard to leave our "waterfront property..." While waterfront is not a stretch, the cement hot box with the gorgeous view that we lived in; I have to confess is not what I portrayed. Why I felt the need to compete with this woman I have no idea. I think maybe just because I found her so over the top annoying, but I should have just given her a steups (a brilliant Caribbean sucking sound that means piss off) and moved on.

Two of the Seventeen we saw

While I am confessing I also had no intention of buying monogrammed stationary for Charlie. With no job paying the sitter was going to be tight so the reason I didn't buy the overpriced stationary was not because "you don't have anything with giraffe's? she's loved giraffe's since she saw 17 on safari. " It is more because we have about 17 dollars in the checking account...

Speaking of jobs I am searching for one and I forgot how much I hate job searching. It's made worse by the fact I don't actually want one. Well I do, I want the money and I want something to do in addition to singing itsy bitsy spider several times a day but the thought of leaving my daughter causes me to break into a cold sweat and hot tears.

Last confession of the day is when visiting the anxiety inducing childcare facility last Friday I may have had a tiny hangover due to too many margaritas the night before.


Since I'm not Catholic there should be no penance. However, I've done mine. Watching a seven month old with a hangover was it.

Recycled

I posted this a while back but John made me take it down as he thought we might get kicked out of the country...now we are gone I'll post it again because my goal is to post more, however I am too lazy to come up with something new tonight. Maybe I should see if there are any openings in the immigration department...


Last week I had the pleasure of packing up Charlie and trekking up to the Botanical Gardens, which is a bit of a misnomer as its actually a badly planned concrete maze of hideously ugly government buildings without a flower in site. It is also the home of the always hospitable immigration officials. I have been dreading this trip since we landed on the island and the blank faced,money hungry immigration official at the airport granted Charlie and me a three month visa instead of the five month visa they gave John.

Last week our three months were up and it was time to pay the head blank faced official a visit. I can't really describe how nasty these people can be. They don't speak they really just bark in some sort of pigeon English, they won't look you in the eye, likely because they are on some level embarrassed by the abuse of their limited power, and they hide behind a beaten up metal door bearing a sign that says 'knock and wait." What the sign should really say is "don't bother knocking because we only open the door when we feel like it." On second thought it should just say "WAIT, we will open the door only after you've been sitting there clueless for hours and we've had our tea and made several long distance phone calls to the USA where our relatives are living illegally.  We will be prepared to harass, interrogate and abuse you only after your blood pressure has reached the boiling point and you are forced to speak in grunts through gritted teeth less you unleash your pent up aggression on us and we then will deny you an extension of your visa."

I was not looking forward to this experience and really could not bear the thought of doing it with a baby. I walked into to depressing govt. building A and saw the typical confusion. Bored and broken looking yachtys, students and peace corps workers were lounged all over the place. There was no line and the woman behind the glass counter was ignoring everyone. I filled out my forms and knocked on the scary door and a blank faced minion answered the door and, then the unthinkable happened. I thought to myself "is there a trace of a smile on this blank faced androids lips? Oh my goodness I think there is." I look at my daughter who is staring intently at probably the first emotionless human she has ever encountered.

Before I knew it we were whisked back to the woman in charge and this nasty, bitter, power hungry woman engaged in the most shocking piece of behavior I have ever encountered in an immigration office and started cooing at my daughter. I swear to you I almost dropped Charlie from the shock of some emotion coming from an immigration officer.

Now was the moment of truth. Would Charlie take after dad who has a long history of abusing public "servants." There was an incident at the Zambian border a few years back which involved threats of "languishing in the cell." Or, would she take after her mother who is so petrified of these people I bribed them with tubes of Colgate and bottles of red wine during my stint in Zambia. Inwardly I am thinking please smile at this woman whatever you do do not give her your 1,000 yard stare. She is extending the olive branch. Please, please smile.

And my girl is her momma's girl. Big grins prevailed. The next thing I knew we were being stamped , approved and I was looking at pictures of this woman's children. Who lived, you got it, in the USA.

So after four years living abroad, countless tubes of Colgate dispensed and a layer of enamel missing from my gritted teeth, I have figured out the formula for cracking the toughest of immigration officials. A baby. Charlie and I set a new record. The whole process took 37 minutes.

Goals

We are starting the long and daunting process of packing up our lives and preparing to move to the next phase. I'm not going to expound on my feelings about leaving. Will save that for another post but, to borrow a uniquely British expression. I am "gutted" to be leaving.

So back to the packing. It, to use a uniquely American expression "sucks." Enough said.

While packing we came across a list of goals that we made during our first week of marriage. I think the plan was to make goals every 6 months and have a sort of  "state of our union" meeting and check in with each other. Like most things that are started with the best of intentions; that first state of the union goal session was our last. But what was surprising was that most of the major goals we had set for ourselves have been or are on their way to being accomplished.  Some of course were not...and some we are a bit ahead of. Start family summer of 2011 can be crossed off! Some things on that list are funny...kind of what were we thinking when we wanted to do that, and some need extended deadlines and a few goals are lifelong works in progress.

Next goal. Stop procrastinating, get packed so we can move ourselves to the US via Malawi without losing our minds. "Please God." As they say in Grenada.

Wish for Motherhood

As a recent mother I am just figuring this whole thing out but with mother's day approaching thought I would put together a wish list for my journey through motherhood. So here goes...

If my child is not the star of the school play, little league team, debate team, little tumblers etc...grant me the good grace to sit through it with a smile on my lips and a look of feigned interest on my face.

If she is the star of the show let me display the appropriate amount of pride and hide the smug look confirming what I have known since birth...that my child really is head and shoulders above the rest.   

If the day comes that she does not make the cheerleading squad, first obo player or captain of the debate team let me comfort her with just the right words without turning texas cheerleader story mother...because I might just have a little bit of that in me.

Grant me the right balance of involved mom but, if I become helicopter mom someone shoot me down with a scud missile because everyone hates those parents.

When she is thirteen and doesn't want to be seen at the mall with me shopping for her first boy/girl dance outfit; grant me the patience to know that one day when we are shopping for a much more important dress she will turn to me beaming in white for approval and, I'll take her hand and cry when someone slips a veil on her head.

Grant me the good sense to know that being the "cool" mom is not as important as being a mom.

When she is old enough to have a drink with her friends and her mother, let me know when to call it quits. At no time do I ever want to have my name and Stifler's mom in the same sentence.

When my Friday nights turn into happy hour at family friendly restaurants let me know that I've been there done that and any club in NYC that would have me on a list now would not be worth going to anyway.

Give me the strength to let my child go and rest assured that if I have done my job right she will always come back.

Do not let my love for my child blind me. If I'm raising a mean girl I want to know.

Please don't let me raise a mean girl.

When my child comes home with someone special to her let me love him because she does and, remember that love comes in all sorts of shapes sizes and opinions.

Make me resentment free and at no time in the long journey that is motherhood let my frustration show. My inadequacies as a human should never be felt by my child. When they are give us both another dose of forgiveness.

Let me know when to ask for help and when I am strong enough to do it on my own.

In the wee hours of the morning when it's just the two of us let me cherish the time but,give me permission to know its ok that I think my child might actually be a terrorist trained in the art of sleep deprivation.

Give me a good sense of humor because at 3 in the morning sometimes laughter is the only medicine.

When I am tired and cranky and have had enough let me treat my husband with respect and love because how she sees me treat her dad will be how she treats others.

Let me remember that I was a wife first and if we break our marriage we'll break our daughter.

Grant us both a heaping dose of forgiveness. We will both make mistakes, often big ones but, if we can forgive we can learn and motherhood like life is nothing but a continual learning process.

I hope one day she'll feel the amazing awe inspiring love that mothers feel and somewhere in the first few weeks of sleep deprivation, angst and spit up she'll know what I know now. No one loves you like your mother.

Unexpected Similarities

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Well....

This pose reminded me of this one...

Baby Essentials

Back When I read Vogue and bottle service meant something entirely different!

I'm struggling with this next post because it just seems so "momish" and feels a little bit loserish. As a side note I realize momish and loserish are not real words but, they were definitely adjectives I used when I was 25! Anyway, not sure when the transition happens but it has slowly been creeping in. I noticed it first at the magazine stand this summer I beelined to the pregnancy section and Vogue only came as an after thought. I know that action may be sacrilegious.... What to Expect When You are Expecting replaced the latest book off the NY Times best seller list. I have a lot (more than I would care to admit) of conversations about sleep, poop and eating patterns. But what I am about to do is totally uncool, very momish and when I was 25 I would have proclaimed myself a total loser!

Being a Mom is lovely.

A lot of my girlfriends are getting pregnant and starting that really scary and daunting process of registering. I've sent this list to a few friends and thought I would post it for future mothers. Things you'll need for the first few months. I know I had several anxiety attacks when trying to navigate Babies R' Us so hope this helps.











 BABY ESSENTIALS

Where you put all this baby lo

  













 
1) Swaddling Blankets http://www.adenandanais.com/  These are the BEST and you can get them at Target. I would also register at Target as well as Baby's R Us
2) The DVD The Happiest Baby on the Block. It teaches you how to swaddle and the 5's really do work for about the first month. Charlie lived as a burrito for the  1st month of life.
3) The Book Baby 411 It is awesome and so helpful. I would also get Expecting 411. I didn't discover it til my last few weeks so never bought it but read it at Borders and liked it better than What to Expect.
4) The soothie http://www.soothie-pacifier.com/ It's the one recommended for breast feeding moms and Charlie LOVES it. Also most hospitals are now recommending it and give them out.
5) A boppy 
6) A bath tub that has a shelf built in. Our whale tub had one and its really useful when they are little and slippery. http://www.target.com/Fisher-Price-Whale-of-a-Tub-Infant-Bathtub/dp/B0018Z8CN8
7) A bath mat to bathe the baby in the first few weeks til the stump for the umbilical cord falls off http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3618616
8) towels and TONS of wash cloths - bath products. There are a ton out there and we tried some of the fancier ones but my fav is Johnson and Johnson, they smell the best
9) cloth diapers which are great for burp rags
10) the diaper genie
11) a portable changing mat http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2756998 this is a lifesaver. i just throw it in my purse and go
12) car seat - we got the graco snug and ride it's great and no complaints
13) stroller - i would just get the snap and go til the baby gets bigger and you can decide what you want then. for the first three months you never take them out of the car seat so anything else is pointless.
14) Pack n'play...whatever model you want there are a million. i would skip the bassinet and just use the pack n'play by your bed for the first few months
15) monitor - I would get one that has a video monitor
16) bouncy seat - Baby won't use it for the first few weeks but then they are really handy
17) swing - someone gave us one to borrow. charlie can take it or leave it so i don't think its a must have but some people swear by them
18) crib - whatever you like
19) changing unit - Some friends have converted a dresser into a changing unit...I think that is a great idea then it can grow with you.
20) High Chair - Can't recommend as we don't have one yet
21) activity mat - any one will do.
22) Sleep dresses - these are the BEST for the first few weeks. They are so easy when you have to do the middle of the night feeds and changes http://www.toysrus.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=3251926
23) Glider - not essential but I loved mine and miss not having one in Grenada
24) Baby carrier - we have baby bjorn and the baby sling, Balboa Baby, and I like both. Some people prefer ergo baby so just check and see what you like
25) Secure Sleeper  http://www.amazon.com/First-Years-Close-Secure-Sleeper/dp/B003HD7SNY/ref=sr_1_3%3FSubscriptionId%3Dundefined%26tag%3Druyi-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB003HD7SNY
26) Good Girlfriends to have a glass of wine or two with and remind you that you are still you.

Now that I've posted this incredibly momish post I'm going to have to organize a girls night out to try and redeem myself or beg Keith and Suzie to hold a church service on Highland Fling II so we can wine!

What a View

Needed a Reminder this morning to stop and enjoy the view!

Broken Computer

My computer is refusing to turn on so am forced to use my husbands i-pad til we can get back to the US and get the situation fixed. I know...most people would love to have an i-pad but I'm missing my computer. I am not used to it and mispell words all the time...Just read my last post and saw all the spelling mistakes but can't/or don't want to find the time to go back and edit it. So, I'm not a complete moron(just partial) but until I get the hang of this ipad business I may slaugther the English language for a few more weeks.

In other news we have about 5 more weeks left on the island and I am ignoring the fact we are leaving. I need to get with the program and start getting organized. We house sat last week and the amount of stuff we needed for a week in someone elses house was mind blowing. I can't even comprehend how we are going to move a baby back to the US via Africa. I seem to be ignoring a lot of things at the moment. My hair smells reall horrific, Charlie threw up on me this morning and, every time I turn my head I get a whiff of it. But am too tired and lazy to shower so am just pretending I dont smell it. Also ignoring the fact I have to go back to work in a few months and my stint as a Caribbean house wife is coming to an end. No more sushi lunches and play dates on the beach and yoga at Laluna. I'm getting sad to see it all end so I'm ignoring it. Would stick my head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening but might pass out from the smell of my own hair.

What's the Hardest Thing You've ever Done?

The other day John mentioned that the hardest thing he had done to date was vet school. He then added rather dramatically that it was even harder than climbing Mount Kiliminjaro. Judging from the amount of stress he has been under the last few weeks...I have no doubt.

Anyway, our conversation got me thinking what's the hardest thing you've ever done? John asked me and I said automatically, "child birth" (I guess the memory has not yet faded) but, then I thought that can't be the hardest thing I have ever done. Women do it everyday often without modern medicine and, I hear teenagers are now doing it on reality tv while telling off their 'baby daddy'. So, no, I must have done something more monumental than child birth.

At one time in my life just getting up and going to work at a job I hated seemed like it was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. As marketing director for a mall I thought I might just lose it if I had to face one more bunny breakfast or deal with one more season of drunk, narcoleptic santas. This prompted what might have been the best but, at the time seemingly most bizarre decision I ever made. I quite my job moved to Zambia and lived in a game park trading drunk santas for inebriated ganme rangers and fake bunnys for a pride of lions. I have to say the lions ended up being a lot less scary. That was an exciting and terrifying decision but not the hardest thing I've ever one. Though as I met my husband, one of the better decisions I've ever made.

Some days I think taking Charlie for an outing might be the hardest thing I've ever done. To go out and about in Grenada she needs more changes of clothing than a runway model. If you happen to be out as the sun sets and the temp drops from 90 to 85 and you don't have full length pajamas a hat and heavy blanket you will bring down the wrath of every Grenadian woman upon your head. If child child services existed here they might just have Charlie hauled off as her negligent mother is causing "the chile to catch cold." The first few weeks we were back I thought raising a baby in Grenada might be the hardest thing I would ever do because of the amount of advice I recieved, but the day they told me I would break my child's back is the day I stopped listening so island life is back to being a snap as long as the car is working, you don't mind no running hot water, etc...etc..

Now that I think of it the hardest thing I've ever done might have been finding someone on this island who hadn't heard about our troubled car and selling it to them.

I'm not sure what the hardest thing I have ever done is. As I'm not that ancient maybe I haven't done it yet. I do have a sneaky suspicion that when it comes to children, child birth might be the easy part, raising them well or as my 8th grade science teacher used to say having "good home training" may be the hard part.

What's the hardest thing you've ever done?