I’m pleased to report that, despite my initial
disbelief that anyone in their right mind or otherwise was going to allow us
(The Clarks – those irresponsible winos with no 401K) to have a baby, December
marked our daughter’s first birthday and our one year anniversary as
parents. I’m a believer in the written
word, and from the moment we officially became parents (I count this as the
moment I had to officially give up wine, so around week six of pregnancy) we’ve
written down wishes for our daughter.
I
haven’t documented this year as well as I should have. The baby book is an
utter failure, and I never was organized enough to be one of those parents who
takes a picture of their child on their month birthday. However, I’ve been
thinking about all the things I wish I had known before plunging into
parenthood and decided to share.
If
I’m honest, and I’ll try to be, no one can really prepare you. You just have to
live it, because despite all the books and internet research, that little
bugger is smarter than the author of What
to Expect the First Year. That being said, here is what I wish I had known
and what I’ve learned along the way.
I
wish I had been more relaxed. Now, we were definitely those idiots who put their
five week old on a boat, the infamous Highland Fling II, and our first of many
outings was to Umbrella’s, the local beach bar. In fact, we became such
regulars our daughter could often be found in the kitchen perched on the owner’s
shoulder supervising. We continued to frequent the boatyard most Friday nights,
but despite trying to live our laid back Caribbean existence, I was an inward
stress case. I was never quite sure if I was doing it right and I often
questioned my competence as a mother. My friend Suzie summed it up best when
she said “Of course you are a good mother, you worry about your child. Bad
mothers don’t worry.” She’s right, and sometimes the one thing you need to
relax is someone to tell you, you are doing it right.
In
this vein, let me pass on a piece of advice my friend Shannon gave me, which
was never correct your husband. Tell them one too many times they are doing it
wrong and you’ll never get another diaper change out of them again. I thought
this was good advice. I was terrified, but my husband was infinitely more
terrified, so let them do it their way and enjoy the diaper changes even if
they use an extraordinary amount of diaper rash cream.
You
will love your husband more than you ever thought possible, however on certain
days, you will dislike him. Intensely. The same goes for your husband. The smug
looks you reserved for those harried looking mothers in the grocery store lines
have come back to haunt you. And no matter how many times you privately or
publicly vowed never to become one of those mothers, one day you will wake up
to find you are that mother, and you’ve even got the shrill, uptight voice to
go with the eye bags and unwashed, thinning hair. You’ll fight more in this
year, you’ll love better, and on the days of dislike sometimes it helps to look
at your little munchkin (preferably while sleeping and not while fishing your
engagement ring, bits of crayon and your 1099 out of her mouth) and think
together we created the most amazing individual. Think of all the beautiful
things we can do if we stick together.
When
she was 4 weeks old we flew with our daughter from Virginia back to Grenada. It
was mind boggling stressful for us. She never made a peep. I was a nervous
wreck thinking of all the things that could go wrong. After a twelve hour day with
a baby strapped to my chest, we landed in Grenada and the Dutch guy in front of
me said “you’re lucky they are easy at that age.” I wanted to punch him. Partly
because he was Dutch and their efficiency has always irritated me, and partly
because did he not realize I had a 4 week old baby on a plane? What I later had
to admit was that he was right. Babies who are not mobile and in that sleepy
phase are very easy to do anything with and you should get out and do things,
because it does get a lot harder. However, if you are a first time parent you
don’t know this, and your stress and anxiety over your child crying, getting
sick etc…is so high nothing seems easy. He may have been right that a one month
old is much easier than a two year old on a plane, but there is nothing more irritating than a parent
saying to you “just wait til you get to this age,” while nodding in the
direction of their out -of- control, manic child. Nothing seems easy when you
are experiencing it for the first time., but at the risk of sounding like the
Dutch guy take that sleepy newborn baby out to dinner if you feel up to it,
because in a few months it’s a whole new ballgame.
When
traveling, going to the grocery or just out for a walk you will bring enough
supplies to feed and outfit a small developing nation’s army. The amount of
stuff you have defies reason. Gone are the days when all you needed to travel
from one end of the island to the other were your sunglasses and a case of
carib. I don’t know when this ends. I imagine when they are thirty and you just
house all their junk in your attic. At least you don’t have to haul it around
any longer.
There
are many theories on sleep. You have the “cry it out” camp, the sleep in the
bed til you are 12 school of thought and everything in between. I confess I couldn’t
cry it out. I visibly shook after twenty minutes of wailing. I just couldn’t do
it. We fell somewhere in between a certain amount of cry it out and a certain
amount of rocking, shushing etc… We found what works for us and have a baby who
sleeps through the night most nights. I don’t really know how we did it. The
only advice I can offer is do what you are comfortable with, and you’ll work it
out.
I
made a hard and fast rule that there would be no babies in the bed. EVER! I had
yet to have a sick, child, company or extreme sleep deprivation. There will be
nights when they’ll weasel their way into bed, especially when sick. As with
most things in the first year, remember tomorrow is a new day and try again.
Also every hard and fast rule you made while pregnant is null and void once
baby appears on the scene.
It
does not matter who gives you advice, your doctor, parent, friend or minister,
you will not believe them. You will go home and look up whatever your question
was in a book or on the internet. I don’t know why. You just will.
There
is a certain amount of judgment that comes with parenting and I do try and keep
myself from being judgmental, but we’re all guilty of comparing, judging parenting
styles that are different to our own. I can keep a pretty open mind with regard
to pretty much anything except vaccinations. If you don’t vaccinate your child
I won’t let mine play with yours.
No
one told me about RSV. I seriously may have reconsidered my choice to have
children had I known about this hideous virus.
Frozen
blueberries are good for teething. Reportedly so is whisky, I’ve not figured
out if it’s good for mom or baby. Maybe both?
You
will never really get a full night’s sleep. The minute they start sleeping
through the night you’ll be up checking if they are breathing.
Everyone
wants to hold a baby til it cries. As a result of this you’ll spend 99% of your
time holding a baby that someone else has made cry.
Nothing
last forever, if you are in a trying phase take a deep breath and know it will
pass. Sadly, the fun, easy phases pass just as quickly. Sometimes they pass a
lot more quickly than you would like.
Food
is infinitely more interesting when it is on the floor. If your child refuses to eat I suggest you
dump the meal on the floor. Problem solved.
The
other day someone told me you need two things to raise a child. Calpol (the
U.S. equivalent is Tylenol) and Grandparents. He may be right, and if so I can
stop the list here.
It
doesn’t matter how much you prepare, how much you read, how many classes you go
to, you will in no way, shape or form be prepared for how much you’ll love your
child. Some days you’ll love them more than others, but the love you feel seems
to grow exponentially throughout the year, and I imagine over their lifetime.
I’ll
steal a line from Elizabeth Stone as she said it better than I ever could.
“Making
the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your
heart go walking around outside your body.”
