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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The First Year




 I’m pleased to report that, despite my initial disbelief that anyone in their right mind or otherwise was going to allow us (The Clarks – those irresponsible winos with no 401K) to have a baby, December marked our daughter’s first birthday and our one year anniversary as parents.   I’m a believer in the written word, and from the moment we officially became parents (I count this as the moment I had to officially give up wine, so around week six of pregnancy) we’ve written down wishes for our daughter.

I haven’t documented this year as well as I should have. The baby book is an utter failure, and I never was organized enough to be one of those parents who takes a picture of their child on their month birthday. However, I’ve been thinking about all the things I wish I had known before plunging into parenthood and decided to share.

If I’m honest, and I’ll try to be, no one can really prepare you. You just have to live it, because despite all the books and internet research, that little bugger is smarter than the author of What to Expect the First Year. That being said, here is what I wish I had known and what I’ve learned along the way.

I wish I had been more relaxed. Now, we were definitely those idiots who put their five week old on a boat, the infamous Highland Fling II, and our first of many outings was to Umbrella’s, the local beach bar. In fact, we became such regulars our daughter could often be found in the kitchen perched on the owner’s shoulder supervising. We continued to frequent the boatyard most Friday nights, but despite trying to live our laid back Caribbean existence, I was an inward stress case. I was never quite sure if I was doing it right and I often questioned my competence as a mother. My friend Suzie summed it up best when she said “Of course you are a good mother, you worry about your child. Bad mothers don’t worry.” She’s right, and sometimes the one thing you need to relax is someone to tell you, you are doing it right.

In this vein, let me pass on a piece of advice my friend Shannon gave me, which was never correct your husband. Tell them one too many times they are doing it wrong and you’ll never get another diaper change out of them again. I thought this was good advice. I was terrified, but my husband was infinitely more terrified, so let them do it their way and enjoy the diaper changes even if they use an extraordinary amount of diaper rash cream.

You will love your husband more than you ever thought possible, however on certain days, you will dislike him. Intensely. The same goes for your husband. The smug looks you reserved for those harried looking mothers in the grocery store lines have come back to haunt you. And no matter how many times you privately or publicly vowed never to become one of those mothers, one day you will wake up to find you are that mother, and you’ve even got the shrill, uptight voice to go with the eye bags and unwashed, thinning hair. You’ll fight more in this year, you’ll love better, and on the days of dislike sometimes it helps to look at your little munchkin (preferably while sleeping and not while fishing your engagement ring, bits of crayon and your 1099 out of her mouth) and think together we created the most amazing individual. Think of all the beautiful things we can do if we stick together.

When she was 4 weeks old we flew with our daughter from Virginia back to Grenada. It was mind boggling stressful for us. She never made a peep. I was a nervous wreck thinking of all the things that could go wrong. After a twelve hour day with a baby strapped to my chest, we landed in Grenada and the Dutch guy in front of me said “you’re lucky they are easy at that age.” I wanted to punch him. Partly because he was Dutch and their efficiency has always irritated me, and partly because did he not realize I had a 4 week old baby on a plane? What I later had to admit was that he was right. Babies who are not mobile and in that sleepy phase are very easy to do anything with and you should get out and do things, because it does get a lot harder. However, if you are a first time parent you don’t know this, and your stress and anxiety over your child crying, getting sick etc…is so high nothing seems easy. He may have been right that a one month old is much easier than a two year old on a plane, but  there is nothing more irritating than a parent saying to you “just wait til you get to this age,” while nodding in the direction of their out -of- control, manic child. Nothing seems easy when you are experiencing it for the first time., but at the risk of sounding like the Dutch guy take that sleepy newborn baby out to dinner if you feel up to it, because in a few months it’s a whole new ballgame.

When traveling, going to the grocery or just out for a walk you will bring enough supplies to feed and outfit a small developing nation’s army. The amount of stuff you have defies reason. Gone are the days when all you needed to travel from one end of the island to the other were your sunglasses and a case of carib. I don’t know when this ends. I imagine when they are thirty and you just house all their junk in your attic. At least you don’t have to haul it around any longer.

There are many theories on sleep. You have the “cry it out” camp, the sleep in the bed til you are 12 school of thought and everything in between. I confess I couldn’t cry it out. I visibly shook after twenty minutes of wailing. I just couldn’t do it. We fell somewhere in between a certain amount of cry it out and a certain amount of rocking, shushing etc… We found what works for us and have a baby who sleeps through the night most nights. I don’t really know how we did it. The only advice I can offer is do what you are comfortable with, and you’ll work it out.

I made a hard and fast rule that there would be no babies in the bed. EVER! I had yet to have a sick, child, company or extreme sleep deprivation. There will be nights when they’ll weasel their way into bed, especially when sick. As with most things in the first year, remember tomorrow is a new day and try again. Also every hard and fast rule you made while pregnant is null and void once baby appears on the scene.

It does not matter who gives you advice, your doctor, parent, friend or minister, you will not believe them. You will go home and look up whatever your question was in a book or on the internet. I don’t know why. You just will.

There is a certain amount of judgment that comes with parenting and I do try and keep myself from being judgmental, but we’re all guilty of comparing, judging parenting styles that are different to our own. I can keep a pretty open mind with regard to pretty much anything except vaccinations. If you don’t vaccinate your child I won’t let mine play with yours.

No one told me about RSV. I seriously may have reconsidered my choice to have children had I known about this hideous virus.

Frozen blueberries are good for teething. Reportedly so is whisky, I’ve not figured out if it’s good for mom or baby. Maybe both?

You will never really get a full night’s sleep. The minute they start sleeping through the night you’ll be up checking if they are breathing.

Everyone wants to hold a baby til it cries. As a result of this you’ll spend 99% of your time holding a baby that someone else has made cry.

Nothing last forever, if you are in a trying phase take a deep breath and know it will pass. Sadly, the fun, easy phases pass just as quickly. Sometimes they pass a lot more quickly than you would like.

Food is infinitely more interesting when it is on the floor.  If your child refuses to eat I suggest you dump the meal on the floor. Problem solved.

The other day someone told me you need two things to raise a child. Calpol (the U.S. equivalent is Tylenol) and Grandparents. He may be right, and if so I can stop the list here. 

It doesn’t matter how much you prepare, how much you read, how many classes you go to, you will in no way, shape or form be prepared for how much you’ll love your child. Some days you’ll love them more than others, but the love you feel seems to grow exponentially throughout the year, and I imagine over their lifetime.

I’ll steal a line from Elizabeth Stone as she said it better than I ever could.


“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”